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Friday, May 30, 2014

The Sky Burns Red: A random poem experiment (write from an imaginary character's perspective)

The sky burns red my darling,
The sky falls to my feet.
The sky plays dominoes with the darkness,
The sky bleeds.
Rivers in the allies, ponds splash my knees,
Empty strollers on the sidewalk,
Worried mothers desert and flee.


My shoes are soaked my darling,
From the crying of the clouds,
My brow is drenched with sorrows,
My heart is dark and crowded.
My shirt is the color of last Wednesday afternoon,
When the hills bloomed with clovers,
And my eyes bloomed with you.


It's easy to slip off my laces,
And leave these shells behind,
They're hardly of use to me now,
 That I know you're doing time.


I stomp through fields of stones,
Poke like needles at my toes,
I wipe the gravel dust from my cheeks,
And the snot from my nose.
Raged, worn, but I don't need my shine,
'Cause within me the war is ending,
Deep inside, I'm doing fine.






Cottages dot the land of my love,
Whispers beckon like a late summer's dove.
 I'd wish upon stars, and wells of pennies,
But it won't bring me back to when we were geniuses.


Time is a dancer, and she meets me at the turn,
I see her skirts of grey, and the names on her arms.
She made her way to where I was staying,
She stripped me of my old clothes,
And gave me fresh bedding.


Rabbits have holes, and birds have nests,
But there is no where for me to run from Mr. Distress.
I believe I've out witted his schemes tonight,
But I'll wait on the morning to tell you that I'm alright.
The sky broke open my darling,
And bombs dashed my promenade,
The sky was invaded, by dark fighter planes.


Fires in the allies, broken furniture in the streets,
Stolen cars on the bridges, children crying hopelessly.
Their shoes have traveled too many times,
To the basements and the cellars,
Their brows are creased with cares
And their coops full of feathers.
Their clothes are as pale
As the walls in which surround,
The frames have fallen off the nails,
And glass covers the ground.


It's easy to compare myself now,
And leave my doubts behind,
They're hardly of use to me now,
That I see they're dying.


I'd stomp through the front lines,
Just to see your face again.
I'd wipe the sweat of your head,
And the fear from your regiment.


Hospitals dot the land my love,
Refuge finds her way to my ear.
I'd carry her gifts to you,
Packages, and bottles of cheer.


Time is a deceiver, and he reaches for my hand,
I see his bony fingers,
But feels the tenderness of his hands.
I've decided to stop paying attention
To the ways of Mr. Vain,
He's skipped away in a hurry,
And scooped away the rain.


Owls have eyes,
And beasts their sense of smell,
But I wish I couldn't sense
This destructive mess at all.
I am my worst enemy,
Because I lead myself away,
Down to where the sky burns red,
And my imagination preys.


Come back to me, come back to me,
My love is dimming sweet dream of mine.
Come back to me, come back to me,
My mind is racing, my fears are lies.


The bombs explode my friend,
The bombs hit the street.
The bombs burst in the darkness,
I fall to my knees.
I repent of my wandering,
Crawl to my bike and

Retreat...retreat...retreat...

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Feelings of Envy?: Firstfruit Offerings

Sunday, April 27th
I'm gonna talk about several topics in this blog post, 1. Feelings of envy, 2. Offerings.
As much as the story of Cain and Abel is about jealousy, I'm mainly sharing it here-in because it ties with the topic of 'half-hearted' offerings. Therefore, I want it to be known that I believe Cain did have an evil heart, and God did not treat 'Cain' poorly. Cain wanted something that was not rightfully his, 'God's approval' of something that was not God's will. In other words, Cain's pride got in the way, and he desired 'reward' for his 'lukewarm' offering. It is another story worth studying deeper. Cause 'motives' are everything...
                                                         
                                                                           ~*******~
                                                           
 There are those folk who somehow bring out the worst in us. I don't quite understand it, as fully as I will, but there are those folk who starve us to death of the love we desire, and instead of walking away with a broken heart...some of us turn green.
Yeah, like the wicked witch. She didn't start out wicked, she started out mistreated, and then she turned green with envy, pretty much 'cracked' over what we would call the last straw, when she discovered that she wasn't  'the favorite'. But she didn't start off evil, she started off abused. (Once Upon A Time, reference).


How can we wash ourselves from envy? How can we be healed at the root of the issue?

Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.
Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”
Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.”[d] While they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.
Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?”
“I don’t know,” he replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
10 The Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground. 11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand. 12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.” Genesis 4

The first example of jealousy amongst men in the Bible. If you really look at the story, it sounds like Cain was not utterly, outwardly, wicked...he too was attempting to go through the motions of serving the Lord, and did bring an offering unto Him. But God judges not on merely the outward appearance of obedience, but on the heart. Obviously, Cain did not give to God what He had commanded. He did not make a blood sacrifice. (which Christ fulfilled by His death. The only spotless lamb of God.)
The Lord cannot be pleased with our half hearted offerings, and our lukewarm spiritual conditions. He is pleased with the sacrifice of the righteous, and those who humble themselves before Him.

How many times do we fail to give God, 'the first-fruits' of our lives? We give Him what is 'left over', or we try and 'tell Him' what we are willing or not willing to give Him, as if we run the relationship and God should 'wait' on us. Is not the whole purpose of sacrifice, whether it be the offering of 'praise', 'good deeds' etc...to put 'others' and 'God' before ourselves? Cain did not give God what He requested.

Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. - Galatians 5:19-21

Sobering, isn't it? The angry man, the jealous man, the envious man, the man who causes divisions...does not inherit the Kingdom of God. How is this? Because one cannot serve the Kingdom or do what is right, when His motives are constantly ruled by un-godly emotions and the enemy's lies. And we all know that it is he who 'behaves' as a Christian, not just he who 'claims' Christ, that is a truly redeemed man.

And we can fall into sin, starting out by just feeling hurt...in can turn into anger, if we aren't careful, and surrender our wounds to the Lord.

He said to His disciples, "Offenses will certainly come, but woe to the one whom they come through! Luke 17:1
 

For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. - James 3:16
And here we see further why jealous men and those with selfish ambition do not inherit the kingdom...because where there is jealousy there is room for every vile practice. Including murder...as we see in the case of Cain and Abel.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Cor 10:18
 

But God warns Cain, He tells Him "“Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.” In other words, God clearly tells him that 'he must rule over the emotions inside of him', that if he does, that indeed was his way of escape from sin. Cain did not have to kill Abel, he chose that path, he chose to surrender himself to the "dark side" so to say. He chose hatred.
God also told Cain, that if he was doing right, and walking in the will of God, would He not reward him, and be pleased?

What Cain should have done...was of course, listen to God. Go purchase from someone else, or snatch up a lamb from his flock, and sacrifice it to God. But instead of being willing to go the extra mile, and make right with God, he let pride and anger overtake him...and let feelings of hatred for his righteous brother,overtake him...
          
If you are dealing with feelings of jealousy, or envy, there is a way of escape for you...I don't now about you, but I have experienced feelings of envy before, and they were horribly uncomfortable. I just couldn't walk in the joy of the Lord the same time I walked in the frustration of 'feeling less' than someone else. Like Cain, we all experience disappointment. There are times in our lives when our head hangs because we feel like 'we are treated less' or 'just as deserving' as someone else, but we don't receive the same reward, the same encouragement, the same applause. But be careful for pride...
  A lot of times what we don't realize we have the wrong motives, and that is why we are not rewarded. We are being humbled, or, it is possible we want something that is not meant for us to have.

A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot. Proverbs 14:30
Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses. Proverbs 10:12

How does the enemy stop us from loving? I recently received a word for a spiritual elder in the faith, I don't know him very well, but God gave me word through him last night. He pointed to me and said "Young Lady....(there was a lot he said) but this was something that stuck out at me...he said..."You have a deep love down inside of you, but the enemy has tried to stop it"...
I wondered how in the world the enemy has tried to stop me from loving people, ever? But then while typing this blog post this morning, I realized something...the enemy does try to stop/hinder us from loving people full-heartedly, and how does he do that? By setting up 'offenses', or 'hurting me'. The enemy has tried to hinder me, by using people who truly don't reciprocate that love, to put me down.. But also, the enemy has known that the way to get to me, is through my weakness...not feeling appreciated. Because that feeling can cause me to retreat and/or crumble.

 I grew up with a very grateful and complimenting Mother, someone of whom you always felt loved by. But over the years, I have experienced what I call 'back stabbing' from friends who never showed me love. I would feel 'not good enough' for them, as I would give them the shirt off my back and they would openly favor others over me. And well, it starts off as hurt...and then it turns into envy...and then anger.
And this to an extent is what happened to Cain. But a lot of times this is just circumstances feeding a pride that is already birthed in a person's heart. Pride says "I deserve" everything. Pride says "I'm the best" and "How could I ever be treated in such a way?" Just think about what arrogance Cain had, to sacrifice grain rather than a lamb as God commanded? How could he imagine God would be pleased with him?

But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. James 3:14-15
Ask the Lord to heal your heart from any pains of rejection from men. Ask Him to fill you with His desires for your life, those that will bring health and not death to your bones.
"You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. " James 4:2
 

Do not desire that which does not desire you...it's a hard thing to swallow. God desires you, therefore you know you can safely in-trust your heart to Him. But a lot of people set themselves up for heartbreak and jealousy, because they offer themselves up on the wrong altars...
whether that means packaging their 'gifts' from God wrong, and presenting them to the wrong crowds, or giving their hearts over to people who are not responsible enough to hold them without breaking them. We cannot expect God's blessing over something that is not His will.
The Lord provides a way of escape, whether that means walking with a different crowd, letting go of a false lover, or even leaving your career.
God does desire for us to feel loved. And we should 'always' feel loved, because we have a loving God. But at the same time, we need to ask God why we feel the lack of love, or envious of our brother or sister when they experience the love of somebody that we desire, but we never receive.

Listen, it's 'okay' to want to be loved. A lot of people have experienced what it is like to have a 'broken heart'. Just because you are feeling 'jealous' feelings, does not mean you are evil. Sometimes we just love a person so much, that we hurt when they do not see or care about us as we do them. And that pain is real. And of course you're going to feel angry when they notice say 'every other person' but you...The bible says that even God is a "jealous" God, of course not in the 'unloving sense', or the envy that leads to sin, but in the way that, he desires our whole- hearted  love, and it is normal for us human beings to desire 'that special person' who will love them and want to spend the rest of their life with them. This is the sort of "jealous affection" I have felt in the past...

But when we don't receive that reciprocated love...could it not be that sometimes God is perhaps protecting us from that which will harm us or is not meant for us? Does God not hold our lives/worlds in his hands?
Forgive your brethren, for most of them do not realize what they do. They do not purposefully favor others over you, it's just maybe they don't see a good thing when it's in front of them :P What you must also understand is 'Like attracts like'. If a person does not love you as much as their other friend, do not fret...it does not mean you are less a person. It just means they possibly see more of their selves in that other person. Doesn't mean you aren't super unique or amazingly beautiful. There are those out there who will love you for 'you'.

Don't be envious. Trust God. Keep loving and smiling even a midst the poor treatment in life, and one day you'll realize that everything we live for on this earth...it's all for the Lord. Therefore, He watches everything you do and say. And he sees when it is difficult for you to love, and there is greater reward in loving someone who is hard to love, when you have been most obviously mistreated by them...this does not mean that you purposefully hang around them to be battered and emotionally bruised, it just means that God sees when your heart is 'grateful' for what it 'does' have...and he will give more to he who is 'faithful with little'. Seek to make peace when possible, but also remember...you are dearly beloved of the Lord, and he shall reward the up-right. Give him your first-fruits, your best, what you hold most dear...

And trust that He is the best investment you could ever make.
Heb 11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

And this is where we find the key, in which made Abel's sacrifice acceptable to God...and makes our offerings of dung of some worth. When we do all things for 'Christ' alone, we will be rewarded....but if we look for man's praise, or thrive only off of man's admiration...we will surely crumble and fall.


Hebrews 11:6 For without  faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who diligently seek Him.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and love with a selfless heart. Remember God loves you, and  "the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly." Psalm 83:11

He blesses the grateful. He blesses those who bless. He blesses those who hearts are not bound behind bars of jealousy and envy. For jealousy and offense makes the bones rot. But in the joy of the Lord is our strength. Do not have idols, whether those idols be other people, the desire for admiration etc...Love the Lord your God, and seek Him first, and all shall be added unto you.

We have to be willing to let go of the things of people that cause us negative emotions. It could be God's way of warning us that they are not meant for us. No man should endure torture just  for the sake of company. A lot of times what we're really feeling is just 'frustration' from 'lack of reciprocated love'.
We need to be willing to only 'seek after' that which is God's will, otherwise we will only be left strung up high and dry. God could not approve of Cain's offering, in the same sense God can not approve/bless our desires for love, with reciprocated admiration, from people who are not His will for us. We must be willing to let go, and heed His voice. He protects us, his children...and wants the best for us.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom 8:23