Because let's face it, as much as we think we can figure things out for ourselves, there are some questions that really cause us to feel like we are swimming up stream. And I don't think that the Lord wants it to be this way. I've always believed in answers. God didn't intend for us to be satisfied in and have to operate on chance, guesstimates, and "maybe so's". And I believe in sharing whatever answers we've been given with others. Cause let's face it, there 'is' little surety these days.
I know what it feels like to be sick with confusion, and wonder what God's will is.
It's been awhile since I've blogged anything, months...And yet I have heard the call from the Lord to "Blog" and honestly before today I didn't know quite what it was that he wanted me to write about.
Secular/Modern Dating is in-fact very dangerous, just as dangerous as Humanism and living a non-Christ centered life is. To be even more direct, the real truth is that many of our society's methods are wrong. We go about family the wrong way, we go about our jobs the wrong way, we go about education the wrong way, we go about church the wrong way, and we inevitably go about relationships the wrong way. It shouldn't surprise us.
A lot of Christians are comfortable with believing in what God has done for them, but that's it. They remain the pilots of their lives, and Jesus is in the back of the plane serving orange juice, washing peoples feet, or just serving, serving, serving.
I'm not saying that we don't give people chances, and that God doesn't sometimes condom us giving someone a chance who is in ways different from us... However you will not and should not think that you a person will change once you are in a relationship with them. If there are religious differences, if there are worldview differences, if there is a conflict in goals, wait for them to resolve or see how they pan out before getting into a committed relationship. If there are things that are important to you, that you find necessary in a spouse or significant other do not date or court someone that isn't those things or growing in those areas already.
Lately it's seemed that no matter where I am and no matter who I am talking to something comes up in the conversations about a struggling relationship. Young people with heads full of questions, adults who have given up hope, and it came to a point where I just couldn't help but notice and wonder if there was a reason behind these repeating circumstances as if God was trying to tell me something and I wondered what.
After my last relationship I see a pattern. So many questions that I had others have, so many decisions that they are having to make I have had to make and listening to friends pour out their hearts, long conversations deep into the night have had me up praying.
It came to a point where I was not long ago at a worship fellowship and after listening to a new acquaintance's recent life experiences I verbalized to him "You know you're the third person this week that has poured out to me their story about being in this kind of unfulfilling relationship".
And he said "Well maybe there's something in that for you".
It's been awhile since I've blogged anything, months...And yet I have heard the call from the Lord to "Blog" and honestly before today I didn't know quite what it was that he wanted me to write about.
Because I don't want to write about things that aren't going to be suitable for this season in other peoples lives, and I think that the following blog posts are going to be on this topic of Relationships.
Now, I am by no means an expert, but I am starting to see how the Lord has used the most difficult season of my life to teach me valuable lessons to be able to share with other young people who need some sort of material about this topic and outpouring of encouragement.
The first subject I am going to talk about here is on the Foundation of Relationships.
Is your relationship legitimate? Do you find yourself wondering are we compatible? If I am in love why don't I feel anything? And Should I give him a chance?
Honestly what you need to determine at the start of your relationship is what "kind" of relationship it really is and what are the expectations and intentions on both sides.
And if you really aren't sure you need to be discussing this very subject with your significant other - boyfriend or girlfriend.
In my humble opinion there are 3 relationship definitions here worth mentioning and they are:
Courtship
Christian Dating
And Secular Dating
If you're unfamiliar with the terms I can clarify in my next post. For some of you Courtship may sound like an old school term for a more chaperoned version of modern dating and for others it may sound familiar from all the books such as "I kissed dating goodbye" etc. But I encourage you that if you've found someone that you want more than a friendship with it is important to first figure out and talk about what your expectations, convictions, boundaries are in getting into a more serious relationship.
Be assured that there is nothing that you can do to completely shelter yourself from disappointment and hurt in this life, because people and relationships are not without their rough edges and dangers. But it is less important what title you decide to categorize your relationship under than it is whether it's foundation is healthy or not.
Be assured that there is nothing that you can do to completely shelter yourself from disappointment and hurt in this life, because people and relationships are not without their rough edges and dangers. But it is less important what title you decide to categorize your relationship under than it is whether it's foundation is healthy or not.
You will most likely have a different shade of relationship from anybody else. You will inevitably modify and pick and choose what is and isn't good for you from the above three categories.
But I think that a lot of us young people have been deceived. We are not only taught lies in our textbooks, from the TV, and influenced by the music we listen to - but we have put ourselves in greater danger than necessary.
Secular/Modern Dating is in-fact very dangerous, just as dangerous as Humanism and living a non-Christ centered life is. To be even more direct, the real truth is that many of our society's methods are wrong. We go about family the wrong way, we go about our jobs the wrong way, we go about education the wrong way, we go about church the wrong way, and we inevitably go about relationships the wrong way. It shouldn't surprise us.
Many of us get "saved" and perish in many respects from lack of godly counsel, knowledge, and getting caught up in the way the world does things.
What we don't realize, or often times reject is that when we "accept Christ" or "Give our lives to Jesus" we "give up our old way of life". Now everything revolves around him, our decisions are no longer made centered around us alone but God.
A lot of Christians are comfortable with believing in what God has done for them, but that's it. They remain the pilots of their lives, and Jesus is in the back of the plane serving orange juice, washing peoples feet, or just serving, serving, serving.
We imagine that we are this entity unto ourselves, and that Christ's only purpose is to keep fuel in our tanks, keep us out of life's storms, and be the wind under our wings.
This carries over into our worldview about relationships. We are out to find "Mr. Right or Miss Right" and just have fun with them. Really our relationships are as shallow, un-nutritious, fast, and disposable as our food is these days...
As it has been said in the past and remains true for today, the real problem is people's hearts. And isn't that where we claim our love comes from? When we say that we love someone with all our "heart"? If you figure out what it is that your heart longs for, then that is what you will be looking for in a relationship.
There is a balance to things. According to the scripture marriage is a holy, blessed thing...and should be the goal of every romantic relationship. God created men and women to be attracted to each other in a special way that fulfills His original purpose. There is a great beauty in the picture that it paints, for truly it is in the relationship between a man and a woman that we see that it reflects an even larger picture - and that is of the Father's love and relationship with us (His Bride).
"Therefore shall a man leave his Father and Mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh". Gen 2:24 (and Mat 19:5)
The entire story of the bible is a love story, a wooing of the hearts of humanity.
I believe that dating around, getting into relationships mainly for selfish gain, attraction alone, or because it is promoted by society alone - is wrong.
It is not wrong to get to know someone because you like them to see if it could be something more.
But I recommend something to you. Don't rush getting into a relationship.
Get to know the person for awhile as just a friend, it is easier to see their weaknesses and what is their true strengths as a friend. When you are in a relationship usually people are their best selves, it's not that all men are intentionally deceitful- but when you're romantically stimulated it's hard to see as clearly and some things can be overlooked when you are in that kind of euphoria. Not to mention how many people have gotten into relationships that they regretted down the line because they only knew someone in the best season of their lives and once married and all the guards were let down monsters were lurking beneath. There are so many more reasons why you should do this, but if you can remain casual or get to know someone outside of a committed relationship for as long as possible it is a good idea, or at least until you can see clearly about such things as the other person's personality, goals, character, and can weigh out your own reasons for desiring the other person. If you have doubts about whether you like the person, whether you're attracted to them, whether they have the same goals, whether they are a Christian, it is good to resolve such things before you enter into a relationship. It eliminates much heartache and pain on both sides down the rd.
Remember there is a difference between "getting to know somebody" and "being in a committed relationship". I believe people often mix the two and in result a lot of hearts are broken because people have to let go of something that they think is permanent. Calling someone our "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" only adds to the problem in my opinion, if you're not in a relationship that has a good foundation and is working towards the goal of marriage.
When you're "getting to know somebody" you're observing them, and reserving a part of your heart until you feel they have earned it. People are too quick to say "I love you" and too quick to open the flood gates and give all of their respect and affection to things that are often undeserving. Believe it or not, to many people when you say "I love you" it means that you want to spend your entire lives with them, so watch your words. This doesn't mean to be fearful or reserved, but to be wise and not wear your entire heart on your sleeve.
When you're "getting to know somebody" you're observing them, and reserving a part of your heart until you feel they have earned it. People are too quick to say "I love you" and too quick to open the flood gates and give all of their respect and affection to things that are often undeserving. Believe it or not, to many people when you say "I love you" it means that you want to spend your entire lives with them, so watch your words. This doesn't mean to be fearful or reserved, but to be wise and not wear your entire heart on your sleeve.
After all we are not meant to be in relationships where we unite with someone and then have to break up with them. It is not in our make up to deal with loss, loss is because of the fall and sin entering into the world. We try to cope with it, but it is not possible to even overcome completely without the help of God.
Points to Consider-
* Never get into a relationship with someone who you know off the bat is not at the same level as you
I'm not saying that we don't give people chances, and that God doesn't sometimes condom us giving someone a chance who is in ways different from us... However you will not and should not think that you a person will change once you are in a relationship with them. If there are religious differences, if there are worldview differences, if there is a conflict in goals, wait for them to resolve or see how they pan out before getting into a committed relationship. If there are things that are important to you, that you find necessary in a spouse or significant other do not date or court someone that isn't those things or growing in those areas already.
There is a choice you will have to make and that is this- If you want to get married anytime in the near future, and want your relationship to be more than a fling that lasts at the most a few months before you wake up from the euphoria and realize that there is no foundation to your relationship - Don't get into a relationship that doesn't have a solid foundation. Don't be confused and think "God might want for me to consider Jimmy as my future- when he doesn't keep a job, doesn't show love to others, is influencing me to sin, and doesn't have the same goals as I do". Listen you are going to have to realize some way or another that just because we are called to become dependent on Christ and have faith- does NOT mean we throw common sense and wisdom out the window. Not everything is a possibility to be God's will. Learning how to eliminate the possibilities is something that takes both sense and experience.
The Lord shakes His head I am sure, and cries tears of frustration at all of His Children who under the banner of His name remain in abuse, toxic relationships, and think that it is God's will to sacrifice their God given dream for somebody. A lot of times people feel obligated to stay in a relationship to help the other person grow, or stay on the right track...this is not a good reason to stay in something that will determine your future. People can and should grow with or without you. Never remain in a relationship that boarders on idolatry, if a person needs to grow in "God" they don't need "you" as a mediator. Look for your other "half".
The Lord shakes His head I am sure, and cries tears of frustration at all of His Children who under the banner of His name remain in abuse, toxic relationships, and think that it is God's will to sacrifice their God given dream for somebody. A lot of times people feel obligated to stay in a relationship to help the other person grow, or stay on the right track...this is not a good reason to stay in something that will determine your future. People can and should grow with or without you. Never remain in a relationship that boarders on idolatry, if a person needs to grow in "God" they don't need "you" as a mediator. Look for your other "half".
Just because the Lord is Sovereign does not mean that we do not make our own decisions that will determine the fruit that we reap in this life. There are many able minded, bodied, people who can do much for the Lord but they sacrifice their ability to serve by getting hooked up with the wrong person. It handicaps them spiritually and emotionally.
Adam and Eve chose to listen to the words of the enemy, they remained in his company just long enough to sacrifice their walks with the Lord, undying bodies etc...We are given a choice.
Choose wisely in picking a mate.
*Don't court somebody unless they're mature minded enough to be married.
This goes along with what I was saying earlier...Know your expectations before you dive. If you're not looking to be "dating" don't agree to date someone. If you're interested in being married don't agree to court someone who isn't near ready for that. It may seem like common sense, but often times people feel pressured to go along with anything for the sake of infatuation for the other person.
*Read the Fruit
I often meet people who are confused and frustrated in their relationships. They love 'so and so', they see all the reasons why their relationship should be working, and yet all they continue to reap is more frustration, anger, disappointment, fear, insecurity, etc.
And it's difficult to do, but very necessary to examine the fruit of your relationships.
Does this person you are trying to work things out with only leave you feeling negative about yourself, others, and God himself? A good tree does not produce evil fruit, nor does an evil tree produce good fruit. This doesn't mean that the person you are in a relationship with is "bad" or "wicked" but it is possible for two good people to be bad for each-other, almost like a chemical reaction.
Often times there are things in people's hearts that cause them doubt in a relationship because they have been hurt in the past and drag their baggage into the current relationship. It is best that healing takes place before the person with deep scars and baggage gets into another relationship. It can be argued that the healing can take place in a positive relationship, but really it puts a jinx in progress, trust, growth, and the entire health of the relationship if issues are not dealt with in the individual soul. Search your heart and ask the Lord if you need healing before you get into a relationship and possibly project your issues onto another soul. God is a God who heals and wants us to live whole in Him.
*Save the Physical for Later
Save as much of the physical for later as possible with somebody that you're still getting to know. There are many things that you should have figured out about a person before you allow yourself to get involved on any physical basis. It may seem petty, but handholds, embraces, and all that stuff can get out of hand pretty quickly and forming and building upon a physical connection can get pretty addictive. And you will be duped into thinking that everything is fine with your significant other if you have this to fall back upon when things get rocky. It's amazing what even a hug can do to lighten our mood, but be wise and save as much physical contact as possible for when you've already gotten to know somebody. You won't regret it, ever.
There has been many relationships where two people's foundation was only that of physical affection and it can never replace a spiritual and intellectual connection. It's natural to desire to be physical with someone you admire, but it should be something that follows love and not the reason for it. Many people have a desire and a lust for some one, but lust is not something that will hold your heart and be kind to you even when you are old and grey. Because at the root, lust is only self-pleasing and self-gratifying it does not truly care about the other person. Only true charity of heart coupled with a true admiration for a person will keep you connected. This is the main reason for most secular "relationships" these days and the reason why people get in and get out. The reason they got into the relationship was a selfish one to begin with, so withdrawing or cheating is no real problem for their consciences. Finding someone prettier is no big deal, finding someone who makes your hormone levels rise is no great feat, finding someone who makes you desire to have sex with them does not mean you have found the one who is most compatible and beneficial for your life.
*Discuss what it would be like if you had to part ways
Of course we all want to think that the relationships we're in will be forever, but it's important that both people involved in a "relationship" be realistic and realize that not everyone who comes into our lives remains. It is not something to have a tantrum over, but rather something to accept as a part of life on this earth. It does not mean that we do not love somebody if we have to move on, nor does it mean that God hates us because he doesn't keep others from going their own way.
This goes back to discussing expectations with each other. There are always "if" "ands" and "buts" and we are never truly married till we're married. There is a balance between respecting a person and feeling obligated to them. Just because you love a person, are attracted to them, doesn't mean that you will be with them forever nor should be. We often love things or rather obsess over things that are not good for us, and our fleshes get in the way.
*Get to Know God and Yourself First
This may seem obvious, but you first need to get to know yourself before you get to know someone else. If you do not know why you are here, what you are living for, what your personality is, what your dreams are, what makes you tick, are aware of your weaknesses, have a strong relationship with the Lord- I'd recommend rethinking getting into a relationship.
It is very important that you discover and realize who you are before you get into something that will determine a great deal of your future.
Examine your heart and ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship and what you want out of life. There are many people who are not ready to be in relationships. They have not yet formed their own beliefs about right and wrong, truth and lie. They're such baby Christians that they quickly get sucked into cults or heresies or give in temptations. It is like unto the story Jesus told about the seed (the word) - in Luke Chapter 8:4-14
It is not wrong to put aside pursuing a relationship so that you can grow and use your single years in service to the Lord and to pursue other dreams. Do whatever the Lord leads you to do and remember that there is often different callings and different journeys for everyone. To some there is a season where the Lord calls them to be consumed with their relationship with him in order to grow and build on their foundation before considering getting into a relationship. Because unless you are grounded in God and find someone who is the same, relationships can cause a lot of divided attention.
So really just live each day unto God and recognize what season the Lord is trying to lead you into.
There are some that feel called to singleness or rather do not have a desire to marry, and don't need to be in a relationship. There are some that feel a desire to marry, and so they should. There are many things that you can accomplish single that you may not be able to once you are married: For Example: Travel, Creative Projects, Careers, etc...
I would recommend youth to see the great blessings found singleness, rather than feel pressured into needing to be in a relationship.
But if you have a true desire to be in a relationship and be married do not think that the Lord does not know this and want to give you every "good thing" for your life. He loves to delight our hearts. Just don't go about this alone, seek God and ask Him to send that special someone.
As a young acquaintance said the other day "Our lives as Christians should be all about the Lord. Whether we marry or remain single should all be about how we can best serve the Lord".
Now, there's something in what was said...What makes anything meaningful in this life?.
If God is not at the heart of your relationship it is bound to sink, if it is lust, physical attraction, happiness alone...it is of little worth. You're picking your bed partner down the road, the one you'll wake up to every morning, rest your head beside every evening, and the one who will either encourage you in your walk with the Lord or detour it.
So be with somebody who makes you laugh, makes you smile, is a kindred spirit, and draws you closer to the King.
Often times there are things in people's hearts that cause them doubt in a relationship because they have been hurt in the past and drag their baggage into the current relationship. It is best that healing takes place before the person with deep scars and baggage gets into another relationship. It can be argued that the healing can take place in a positive relationship, but really it puts a jinx in progress, trust, growth, and the entire health of the relationship if issues are not dealt with in the individual soul. Search your heart and ask the Lord if you need healing before you get into a relationship and possibly project your issues onto another soul. God is a God who heals and wants us to live whole in Him.
*Save the Physical for Later
Save as much of the physical for later as possible with somebody that you're still getting to know. There are many things that you should have figured out about a person before you allow yourself to get involved on any physical basis. It may seem petty, but handholds, embraces, and all that stuff can get out of hand pretty quickly and forming and building upon a physical connection can get pretty addictive. And you will be duped into thinking that everything is fine with your significant other if you have this to fall back upon when things get rocky. It's amazing what even a hug can do to lighten our mood, but be wise and save as much physical contact as possible for when you've already gotten to know somebody. You won't regret it, ever.
There has been many relationships where two people's foundation was only that of physical affection and it can never replace a spiritual and intellectual connection. It's natural to desire to be physical with someone you admire, but it should be something that follows love and not the reason for it. Many people have a desire and a lust for some one, but lust is not something that will hold your heart and be kind to you even when you are old and grey. Because at the root, lust is only self-pleasing and self-gratifying it does not truly care about the other person. Only true charity of heart coupled with a true admiration for a person will keep you connected. This is the main reason for most secular "relationships" these days and the reason why people get in and get out. The reason they got into the relationship was a selfish one to begin with, so withdrawing or cheating is no real problem for their consciences. Finding someone prettier is no big deal, finding someone who makes your hormone levels rise is no great feat, finding someone who makes you desire to have sex with them does not mean you have found the one who is most compatible and beneficial for your life.
*Discuss what it would be like if you had to part ways
Of course we all want to think that the relationships we're in will be forever, but it's important that both people involved in a "relationship" be realistic and realize that not everyone who comes into our lives remains. It is not something to have a tantrum over, but rather something to accept as a part of life on this earth. It does not mean that we do not love somebody if we have to move on, nor does it mean that God hates us because he doesn't keep others from going their own way.
This goes back to discussing expectations with each other. There are always "if" "ands" and "buts" and we are never truly married till we're married. There is a balance between respecting a person and feeling obligated to them. Just because you love a person, are attracted to them, doesn't mean that you will be with them forever nor should be. We often love things or rather obsess over things that are not good for us, and our fleshes get in the way.
*Get to Know God and Yourself First
This may seem obvious, but you first need to get to know yourself before you get to know someone else. If you do not know why you are here, what you are living for, what your personality is, what your dreams are, what makes you tick, are aware of your weaknesses, have a strong relationship with the Lord- I'd recommend rethinking getting into a relationship.
It is very important that you discover and realize who you are before you get into something that will determine a great deal of your future.
Examine your heart and ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship and what you want out of life. There are many people who are not ready to be in relationships. They have not yet formed their own beliefs about right and wrong, truth and lie. They're such baby Christians that they quickly get sucked into cults or heresies or give in temptations. It is like unto the story Jesus told about the seed (the word) - in Luke Chapter 8:4-14
It is not wrong to put aside pursuing a relationship so that you can grow and use your single years in service to the Lord and to pursue other dreams. Do whatever the Lord leads you to do and remember that there is often different callings and different journeys for everyone. To some there is a season where the Lord calls them to be consumed with their relationship with him in order to grow and build on their foundation before considering getting into a relationship. Because unless you are grounded in God and find someone who is the same, relationships can cause a lot of divided attention.
So really just live each day unto God and recognize what season the Lord is trying to lead you into.
There are some that feel called to singleness or rather do not have a desire to marry, and don't need to be in a relationship. There are some that feel a desire to marry, and so they should. There are many things that you can accomplish single that you may not be able to once you are married: For Example: Travel, Creative Projects, Careers, etc...
I would recommend youth to see the great blessings found singleness, rather than feel pressured into needing to be in a relationship.
But if you have a true desire to be in a relationship and be married do not think that the Lord does not know this and want to give you every "good thing" for your life. He loves to delight our hearts. Just don't go about this alone, seek God and ask Him to send that special someone.
As a young acquaintance said the other day "Our lives as Christians should be all about the Lord. Whether we marry or remain single should all be about how we can best serve the Lord".
Now, there's something in what was said...What makes anything meaningful in this life?.
If God is not at the heart of your relationship it is bound to sink, if it is lust, physical attraction, happiness alone...it is of little worth. You're picking your bed partner down the road, the one you'll wake up to every morning, rest your head beside every evening, and the one who will either encourage you in your walk with the Lord or detour it.
So be with somebody who makes you laugh, makes you smile, is a kindred spirit, and draws you closer to the King.
No comments:
Post a Comment