Dec 17th, After Midnight
Tonight is much like other nights, in that I sit upon a bed with sleepy eyes, but the desire to write prevails my need for rest...For the last week my mind has been rewinding like a film reel, and bringing to mind the year in review. I see myself arm in arm at a ball,
jigging around in my Mum's old wedding dress, my mouth a grin. I see myself spending evenings by a riverside with a film crew, and driving back and forth down the country road to different locations to shoot. It's almost as if time stood still on that one summer day in June, as I sat in that passenger seat and watched the road ever wind ahead of me. I breathed in the warm air and watched the sunlight reflect off the oak trees leaves. Something about that moment was bittersweet. Just like this year. Because even as I took in the beauty around me, my heart was looking for solace.
At times I have felt almost like a war veteran, a solider who reads the letters of his friends or his lover, and dreams of being back in a room with familiar things, round the table with those who's laughter and conversation comforts his heart.
This has been a year of journeying forward. A year of jumping off the ship into the water. A year of trying new things, a year of greater boldness, a year of doors busted down with a sledge hammer.
And even in the discomfort of having to let go of safety blankets, I have armored up with a hardness of mind that has enabled me to walk more like a conqueror than a casualty.
I suppose I am a creature of self preservation. And I am very successful at that. But in many ways it's as if I put the 'robot on' and seal up my eyes.
I'm guessing if I had been born a guy, and were a soldier, I would be very hardly, because I would detach myself from the misery...
But now I feel the truth. It's the numbness from being on the battle field, that has left me looking for familiarity. While my eyes were shut, I forgot what home looked like. It's like starting over. It's like the solider returning home and finding his siblings have left the house, his lover has married another, and his Mother is in the hospital.
I don't think I've been in this place before. Just when life seems like it will provide only the same, it gives us a avalanche. Have you seen the Dreamworks film 'The Croods'? The movie comes to mind as I type. In the film the main characters (a family of cave people) find that the earth is breaking apart, and the continents forming...in the midst of this, and in result, their cave (where they spent most of their lives hiding from danger) crumbles. And they are forced not only to find a new home, but in the process an altogether 'new life'. But in the end, the new life is better than the old. Perhaps it takes a bit of learning to truly thrive in it, and embrace it...but in the end things worked out for the better. And this is how I've seen the story of my family from this year. And I know that God will work out all things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.~ Romans 8:28...
Anyhow, I thought I'd blog a post about some general realizations from 2013.
1. Life takes you by surprise. You never know who or what will take hold of you and stir something you didn't know was inside. Good or bad.
2. The road never stops winding. Just when you think you've figured it out, climbed the hill, you discover that there are a lot of hills, and a lot of miles ahead, many that look the same. But there is a end, and there is a destination. Just sit back and enjoy the ride, and remember to keep your eyes on the road. Looking to the right or the left (aka in the wrong direction) can make you sick.
3. We're not who we were 5 years ago, 1 year ago, perhaps even who we were 1 month ago, or 1 day ago. We cannot expect to remain the same on the outside, or on the inside. Not that we change as a whole, but because we are never 'finished' until we die; life, people, and decisions, have a way of constantly forming or "deforming" us. Life is progression. We are as sketches flipped on pages, ever moving and evolving, just like old fashion animation.
4. There are things we may know and feel that cannot be mentioned, and are better un-mentioned. But it doesn't change the fact that that knowledge and those feelings are real and have their consequences.
5. Replacing the old, doesn't always mean the new will be easier. Sometimes change and 'upgrades' come with much pain. Pain that we were not ready for, nor expected. But without a struggle, there is no growth. And how do we know what the new will bring, if we are not willing to face the undergoing of losing the old?
6. God answers prayers. He hears the desires of our hearts, and creates miracles all the time. We are so undeserving of his blessings, and yet he loves to give us good things because we are His children. What a loving Father He is.
7. Careful. A girl may lose her head to whoever's hand she holds. (So to say) There is something about the physical that stirs emotions we may not ever desire. And it's a very interesting how closely connected the physical is to the emotional, and the emotional is to the spiritual.
8. There is a spirit that heightens our selfish nature, stirs a lack of compassion, and feelings of anger and discontent. There is an enemy in each of us that doesn't take much to nurture before it becomes a monster, and that enemy is our own flesh. The devil need not do much, when he knows that with little help, we all are capable of destroying ourselves.
9. A fool's folly is as poison arrows to a wise man. He holds up his shield, draws out his sword, and desires to hit the fool with the blunt of it. Wise men and fools rarely meet. The fool is blinded to his foolishness, but the wise man sees only destruction in his eyes.
10. A man with a quick tongue is bound for mischief, And there are those who speak the opposite of what they feel. Be leery of a double minded man, for he is unstable in all his ways.
11. Of more comfort is a mute friend, than an
friend that uses words in spite. For words hurt worse than daggers, and the intent of the heart is determined by the words it fires.
12. There is much that fades and falters. Thus only the confidence of a man's heart will remain. In what does he place that confidence? Surely not in his own self, for even his own self shall fail him. Only God is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
13. Haste not, regret not. In haste there is mistakes, in haste there is folly. Better to have not acted, than to have acted and regretted.
14. There is a time and a place for everything under heaven. There is a time to speak, and a time to remain silent, there is a time to love and a time to let go.
15. Be not deceived. Being able to hold back ones feelings completely is not a virtue. He who can choose to detach, is also presented the choice to be hardhearted.
16. It is not weak to be human. It is not weakness to feel. It is providence. For without man's weakness, there would be no need for his dependence, and if there was no need for his dependence, there would be no need for his deliverance. Without involuntary feelings of regard, many a men would die without ever doing revolutionary acts. There are those who would have us burry our hearts, never shed a tear, but that is because those same people have been hurt themselves. And reminding them of the emotion inside themselves is scary, because they see that there is an endless recess of it. But C.S. Lewis put it well when he wrote "The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers...of love is Hell."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhbJC6Fz6fA&feature=share&list=PLp3WAI8tCfShOODzS8eXnJNIUlXom9gXV&index=5
17. The greatest discomfort is to lose something you realize you never truly had.
18. Greater is a friend at hand, than a brother a far. For there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother, and there is an enemy who pretends to be a friend.
19. There is no place like home. But in the end, home is where the heart is.
http://youtu.be/b7cf24tIAT8
20. Be yourself. Be careful how you change for others. Keep a check and always a firm understanding of who you are and your goals. Remind yourself what you want from life, and remember that you are an example and influence on those around you. Don't let go of your faith, or bow down for anyone. Let Christ be your vision and Lord of your Heart.
He asks that we don't have idols. Which is harder than it seems.
He asks that even on the windy roads of life, and when in the season when spring seems far away, not to give up hope, and not to stop praying.
There is a time and place for everything. Soon 2013 will be in passed.
I personally will not be able to forget all the wonderful and trying times I have had. And in retrospect there has been more times of laughter than of tears.
I praise God for all his blessings, and his provision. I pray that I would be made stronger and wiser from the trials.
This year has been a full one. Perhaps the fullest of them all for me so far. And as I lay my head down tonight, my mind goes round and round on the carousel of memories.
But here's to letting go...Here's to moving on...Here's to the greatest things in life...the eternal things...Joy, Peace, Love.
May they reign in our hearts forever.
